Me isn't WHO I want to be, ME isn't WHERE I want to be ... So What's Left?

I don't feel much like working these days.

I don't feel much like getting dinner ready.

I don't feel much like blogging.

I don't feel like getting out of bed.

But I do.

I'm crap at pretty much everything I do lately, but I push myself to be the uncrappiest I can be.

Because of Smilin' Vic.  Because of Kiddo.  

And somewhere, deep down inside, because of me I guess.

Because if I don't at least try, what's left?

I'm not happy with me for a number of reasons.  Middle-age spread, lethargy, inability to get over the loss of my Dad, non-productivity at work, inability to be there enough as a mom for Kiddo, inability to be the wife Smilin' Vic deserves.  There are more reasons, but those are the ones that really count ... in reverse order.

I'm not happy with the ME for a number of reasons.  Dust, heat, traffic, nepotism, cronyism and favoritism.  Insecurity, instability, general unrest.  A society where I am the oddball because I have a career; a society where I can't openly practice my religion.

I'm not a psychiatrist, but my past professional experience with DSM-IV tells me that chances are I'm suffering from some form of depressive disorder.  

I don't enjoy socializing; I'd be quite happy to stay in bed all day.  The exercise that used to motivate and invigorate me now seems like a burden; an added burden to the growing list of unaccomplished tasks at the end of the day.  The moments of culinary bliss that I used to cherish in the kitchen seem pointless and ill-spent as I throw a microwave dinner or bowl of cereal on the table these days.

There is a SADNESS that is engulfing every single waking moment.  And those waking moments take up more and more of my day.

Smilin' Vic has always touted my ability to sleep through anything.  Nothing disrupts my ability to sleep ... NOTHING.  Except years ago when I was stuck in a failing marriage with a sense of drowning and despair.  

And except now.

I sleep, but I wake every hour.  My dreams are angry, frustrated and chaotic.  I awaken at 3:00 a.m. and can't fall back asleep.  When the alarm rings at 5:00 a.m. I click on snooze methodically, repeatedly, and when 6:00 a.m. finally rolls around I would give anything just to stay in bed and sleep through the day.

I don't want to be HERE, but I don't know where I want to be.  So I carry on HERE.  Hoping it will carry me somewhere.  Somewhere better.  Somewhere happier.  Somewhere I want to be.

Tomorrow, Saturday, we'll celebrate Easter here in the ME.  We won't celebrate on Sunday because we have to work; it's not a day off.  We'll have a few friends over, cook a ham - yes, we can now buy pork products in Qatar at the naughty booze shop.  The kids will decorate Easter eggs and go on a little egg hunt, and I'll throw myself into making it feel like Saturday is Easter SUNDAY.  I'll keep on keeping on.

Tonight, I pushed myself to play board games with Kiddo.  Her laughter was so genuine, her feelings so true.  I sounded fake even to myself as I laughed along with her, but I'm not going to let this get the best of me.  I will fake it 'til I make it.  

I'm not used to being unhappy.  It's not my nature.  Dissatisfied, yes.  Frustrated, yes.  But unhappy?  Never before ...

I KNOW I have EVERY reason to be happy.  I have a MILLION reasons to be happy.  I have maybe 20 reasons to be sad.  WHY do those 20 trump the 1,000,000?  HOW do those 20 trump the 1,000,000?

NOBODY knows how much I don't want to be 'Me' right now.  NOBODY knows how much I don't want to be in the 'ME'.  

But I'm not a quitter.  I will find 'Me' again, and I will learn to love 'Me' again.  In the 'ME' or elsewhere.

In the meantime, I may write, or I may not.  I have a feeling I may not for quite a while.  At least not on this blog.

I think the time has come to step away for a bit and re-group.  Keep a personal journal in those moments where I feel I 'have to let it out' and walk away from social media in general for a while.

And hopefully one day get back to giving rather than sapping.  Giving to my family, to my friends, to my readers and to myself.

If you've followed me in the past, thanks.  If you've read this far tonight,  thanks.  From the bottom of my heart.

And good night.  

From me.  From the ME.  For a while.

Uploaded by Paula Mathis on 2012-09-16.

Weather You Like ME or Not ...

The shift in the weather has been sudden this year in the ME.  

No, this isn't Doha.  This is a pic from my friend's living room window in Northern New Brunswick on April 1, 2014.  APRIL FIRST!!!!!!  Those are telephone and power lines in the background.  Having gone from that extreme to the harsh desert, I'm hopeful that some future assignment might see us halfway weather wise, maybe on the French Riviera or something!

After surprisingly cool and pleasant temperatures extending from December to the beginning of April, we were greeted on Sunday with a steadily rising barometer, reaching up into the low 40s by mid-week (that's Celsius, in case there was any doubt).

No escaping it, summer is here.

Something tells me it's going to be a long, hot, humid summer in the ME.  Doha skies like the ones below, a welcome sight in March, are likely a thing best forgotten for the next seven months or so.

Rare Doha skies in winter, slightly reminiscent of Atlantic Canadian summer skies.

We are fast approaching the months where it's too HOT to swim, ride a bike, ride a motorcycle, play tag or even walk outdoors.

Almost time to put these babies away ... (not my wheels BTW ... I don't ride)

Within a few months, the only respite we'll have from the heat will be the air conditioned indoors and memories of cooler climates.

It's those very 'heated' Doha moments that make me feel like 'cool' is more than just a generation away, and that make me so very happy not all our trips are "beachy".  

Like our most recent trip to London for Spring Break.

It's nice to have a not-so-distant memory of cool, damp and stormy.  

Smilin' Vic and Kiddo strolling in London in early April ...

My sister and her hubby joined us from Canada on rainy strolls through the streets of London.

So nice to have recent memories of enjoying the "toasty-warm" of indoors.  

Does anyone else feel like singing "Hallelluiah!" when they look at this pic?  A nice glass of red really warms the insides on a damp and cold spring day.  (@ Cheshire Cheese, London, England)

Or perhaps this is more heart-warming to some?  (@ Cheshire Cheese, London, England)

I dare say the hot days of summer are here.  Slow, lethargic days.  Weather we like it or not, summer is here in the ME.

So I'll leave you with a few more pics of our trip ... (note that not ALL days were damp and gloomy).

Landing in London ...

Just out for a leisurely patrol ...

Intriguing contrast ...

View of St. Paul's Cathedral from Fleet St.

Lighting a candle for my dad, God rest his soul.

Sacrifice commemorated ...

....

Mandatory sight-seeing break ...

Ye Olde Pub Time ...

I love this place ... La Floridita has a real '50's gangster vibe.

Yup!  We stayed here on our last night in London!  How does a desert dwelling Atlantic Canadian say "High Tea"?  Sounds something like "SOCIAL!!!!!"

Directions from the Waldorf to "Matilda".

Afternoon matinee :-)

A 'Frank' you'll never forget ...

Christ Church in Oxford.

Oxford.

Oxford

Oxford

View from our flat in the evening. 

Ask me about gas ....

I try to keep my blog flowing ... I write about a lot.  From traveling to dining, being a mom and a wife, working and living in the Middle East, death and dying, missing home and getting pissed on occasion.

I write about the craziness of driving in the Middle East, being an expat mom and watching my Third Culture Kid grow up not really knowing where 'home' is.  Living in a land of sand that is the polar opposite of my homeland.  Going from -40C to +40C.

Struggling to build a career in a land where 'working woman' is a funny word.  Trying to learn a language that won't even share its alphabet with me.  Singing "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" during a sandstorm.  

I write about all of these things because they help me make it through the day.  Writing let's the 'feeling' out.  And hopefully a few souls will be entertained or become informed with what I have to share.   

And then I check out my blog 'metrics' and discover that the most hits I get are based on a Google search for "flatulence at high altitude". 

But of course ...